A letter to my dearest

Sometimes I don't want to think about
you, even if you're always on my mind. I always think of your smile,
the ways your eyes light up. Of happy moments..

Except I can't help the times where I
remember things that make me.. almost angry at you. Things that make
me want to cry, to hit something an make it feel the pain I felt. But
I learned that crying only gets you hit even more.

Right, Mello?

I remember back when we were kids, you
took me under your wing right away. Though the other kids told me to
stay away from you. I'm not sure if I regret the decision to stay by
your side or not. I'll be honest with you, and tell you the truth for
once. I'm tired of hiding behind lies to watch you smile.

I love you.

Well, that's a weight off my
shoulders.. haha.. Anyways. You have no idea how much I love you, and
you probably don't believe me either. But I do.. I love the way you
stared at me in class without thinking I might turn around and catch
your gaze – which was fun to do on purpose. I love those eyes
of yours, I swear I could drown in that ocean. And those lips.. oh
god those lips. I love the was you would hug me if there was a storm,
or beat up anyone who dared touch me even before asking if I was hurt
or not. It was always so sweet..

But then.. then there's behind closed
doors. I think about the times where you couldn't bare to see my
face. I remember you beating me instead, because you weren't allowed
out of our room. How you'd stand over me and kick and punch, kick and
punch.. and you'd kick and punch harder if I cried and begged you to
stop. How you yelled at me for the smallest things, though it made me
cry.. you did anyways.

And then tell me to get out.

Bloodied and beaten, tears staining my
cheeks, and you'd force me out the door because /you/ couldn't run
away. If I hurt so much even to look at, why do you always drag me
back by the leash? Why do you always push  me and order me around if
you want me to stay?

Why do you think I wear long sleeved
shirts?

How come you ignored the cuts when Near
bluntly pointed them out at the reunion? You didn't even glance my
way.. I wished that that day, you would've picked on Near again
instead of me. That was exactly three days ago. The day before my
birthday. No biggie, you forgot that too.

No phone calls, no invites, nothing.

So I didn't call, or come over either
way. So I've decided I have had enough of your bullshit.

I mailed this to you because I know
you'll read it this way.

So yeah.. I did it Mello. Do you know
what I mean?

“Go die!  Stop following me, no
one wants you here anyway!” I remember that ever morning and
night, the tone and time and place.  The heartbreak.

You said that when I tried to stop you
from leaving for the Mafia when we were 14. But yet, where I found
you on the curb, passed out..I still brought you home. You even
seemed happy to see me when you woke up and and saw me sitting by
your bed reading ; waiting for you.

But I get it now : you were using me.
I've left all my money to the orphanage. All my belongings to L,
since he understands sentimental value. I've left a few things to
Near. But what I'm a leaving you? Thats, what matters, right? Here,
you get this letter, my goggles, lighter and car. Nothing else.

Oh, and don't forget to come pick up
your gun from the mess of my head. I used the last bullet, too.

Will you cry for me, I wonder.

Will you wear a black suit, or black
leather to my funeral?

What will you do with my stuff? Sell
it?

Will you come join me?

I doubt that, you never loved me back.

But I love you so much, I have to make
you happy one last time and leave you.

Good bye.

Mail.